How to deal with finances in your relationship

We are all in one form of a relationship or the
other; a relationship with a parent, spouse, partner,
child, friend, employer, employee. We all know how
important money conversations can be and also
how awkward they get if not handled well. There
are various reasons why money conversations can
put us under some strain; reasons include – loss of
income, one person spending too much, different
attitudes toward money. Earning inequalities
particularly in a patriarchal society can lead to
unease, resentment, and arguments.
How do you define financial intimacy?
Financial intimacy is about having the ability to be
open and trusting about money matters in your
relationship. Unfortunately, many couples do not
enjoy this experience; in fact many feel vulnerable
and unsafe and tend to be secretive and hide the
true picture of their finances from their partner. So
many couples have serious and recurring
arguments about money; indeed money issues
have been cited as being a leading cause of marital
and relationship palaver.
What is your attitude to money?
Money has been a subject that has traditionally
been swept under the carpet and it was considered
improper to talk about it. Attitudes to money are
formed very early on in life and usually develop
over many years. You may not even realize the full
effect of your childhood experiences,
circumstances, and your parent's attitude towards
money; indeed many people simply assume the
savings and money management habits of their
parents. Was money a highly sensitive topic? This
could make you very reticent about talking about
money. Were your parents very frugal, disciplined
savers, or were they spendthrifts? You may not
even realize that you have inherited some
behaviour patterns from them; once you
acknowledge this and recognize it for what it is,
you will have a new awareness in dealing with
these issues.
Here are a few simple tips to help you navigate
your relationship with money.
Are you dating?
Before you commit, try to determine how your
partner handles the big issues of real life, including
financial matters. Discuss your dreams and goals.
If your individual goals coincide, it makes it much
easier to accomplish them. If they collide, see if it
is possible for you to accommodate the differences
assuming that there are enough common goals to
build a solid future together. Money will be
involved in almost everything you aspire to do in
your lives together, so it is important that your
goals are in sync or at least are compatible.
Where finances are tight, try to build in activities
that don't involve a lot of money into your social
life. Eating at home, going out for a walk, having a
picnic in the park or at the beach, playing a board
game, are just a few ways of enjoying quality time
without spending a lot of money.
Borrowing can present some challenges so do
consider carefully before you borrow from your
loved one. Determine in advance how you will deal
with debt and whether it needs to be formalised in
any way. Often some discomfort occurs where one
party has lent some money and the other never
mentions it again. Without communication such
issues may fester and eventually lead to crisis.
Are you planning to get married?
Don't go overboard with your wedding costs and
certainly don't go into debt over the wedding. It is
more important to focus on your lives together
than on the lavish party. If you can't afford a huge
wedding now, have something much simpler; you
can always celebrate again when you can afford it.
It is usual to receive monetary gifts at weddings
and other celebrations. Don't spend it all. Set aside
as much as you can to invest in your future plans
to raise a family, own your own home or business.
You will probably need to review your investments
as your goals come together. With the assets your
partner brings into the relationship, you may
achieve some investment flexibility that you could
not have otherwise achieved while you were single.
Merging your financial lives
Every couple must find a structure that works for
them. You must decide who will be responsible for
paying certain bills, taking the lead in the family
finances and so on. Remember, you are two
different people with different attitudes. One of you
might be a saver whilst the other is a big spender.
If you like to manage your own money and be in
control of your financial affairs and you are very
focused and success oriented and are in a
relationship with someone who is financially
immature or maybe even irresponsible with
money, this could lead to conflict.
Will you have separate or joint accounts or a
combination of the two? Having a joint account
combined with individual accounts for personal
expenses is a good compromise as each partner
takes some responsibility for the household
budget, yet is still able to retain some autonomy.
Partners contribute a certain amount of their
monthly salary into the joint account to cover
routine household expenses such as food, utility
bills and so on. Some couples decide to pay their
salaries into the joint account and then pay
themselves a monthly allowance.
Plan to create a budget that can accommodate
both of you within reason. One person will be
better equipped to handle money matters whilst
ensuring that both parties can retain some
flexibility and independence, which many crave. Be
guided more by what suits your individual
personalities, talents or skills and not by gender.
Starting a family
Sometimes one partner must stay at home beyond
the traditional maternity leave period while the
other works full-time. What model can you adopt
regarding your finances? Will the homemaker be
paid a "salary" for her significant services? An
arrangement should be put in place that shows
respect for this most critical role.
If you can afford to, and decides to stay at home,
don't neglect your talents and career skills.
Consider part-time work or starting a small
business to seek to maintain your skills and
contacts. This might be a good time to consider
going back to school part-time to improve your
financial prospects. All these actions will help ease
your transition back into the workplace.
Don't forget to consider your mortality as morbid
as it sounds. If you haven't already done so, this is
a good time to prepare your will or put another
estate planning arrangements in place which
address guardianship issues should anything
happen to you.
Have you remarried?
Money matters may well have been a major
problem in your previous marriage. Talk about
those differences so that your new partner can
have a better understanding of your concerns. It is
important to discuss in advance how
responsibilities will be shared for any children from
previous marriages who live with both of you and
how their expenses will be handled.
Difficulties with communication lie at the root of
some of the distressing financial issues that
couples face. Just being able to communicate
about money in an easy, healthy way can help ease
tensions. As far as possible share your financial
concerns with your partner and benefit from
practical suggestions and support. Remember
however, that each relationship is different and it is
important for you to understand the vagaries
of your own relationship in informing your actions